just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
only you would photoshop your dick
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
