i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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