K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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