Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
