i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
