I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
