im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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