i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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