After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
