I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
