i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
