Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
