He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize