Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Banned from zoo.
Again?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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