someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Its about making memories worth repressing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
