I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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