tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
