I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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