I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
