Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
