So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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