hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize