Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
