never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize