just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
