i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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