Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
