i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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