I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
