i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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