Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
