Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Randomize
