You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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