I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
