What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
