The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
