Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
