Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
