I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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