I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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