There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
