Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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