Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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