hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
