I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize