final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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