its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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