i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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