Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
