What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
