Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
