Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
