So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
