What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
