That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
