I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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