Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize