i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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